Pleasure

I recently went to a ‘cutting-edge’ seminar taught by a doctor of psychology on Pornography and its effect on the human brain.  The specific point I want to pull from that seminar is this; it is proven that by the over-stimulation of the ‘Dopamine Cycle’  (how we experience pleasure), it eventually becomes unable (or at least far less effective) of experiencing pleasure, regardless of the stimuli.  By God’s will and design our bodies were certainly meant to experience pleasure, but only in moderation (and He defines ‘moderation’).  Therefore, if our brains are ‘burned out’ from viewing porn we can no longer experience joy … no matter if it is from a promotion at work, our child taking their first step, lying with our spouse, eating a delicious meal, even porn itself … all pleasure begins to fade; we lose our ability.  Incidentally, isn’t amazing at how those among us who have been overrun by a besetting sin say they feel ‘dead to God’ or in a ‘spiritual desert’?  Now please hear me, not all spiritual deserts are caused by habitual sin, but I would say all habitual sin causes spiritual deserts.  This is not mysterious.  In a very real sense, to give ourselves over to lust is to hollow ourselves out; leaving us joyless and unable to worship Christ.  We cannot serve two masters “for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other.”

This is modern science.  These are recent findings from brain scans, clinical analysis, observation, testing, etc.

But read the words of my dearest brother (who died 300 years ago), the Puritan, Matthew Henry.  Specifically he is commenting on Job’s claim that “I made a covenant with his eyes, why then should I look upon a maid?”

“He made a covenant with his eyes, made this bargain with them, that he would allow them the pleasure of beholding the light of the sun and the glory of God shining in the visible creation, provided they would never fasten upon any object that might occasion any impure imaginations, much less any impure desires, in his mind …”

Note Henry’s choice of words, ‘… the PLEASURE of beholding the … glory of God ...”

I am a broken, sinful, lustful man.  This is not hyperbole; I examine myself daily.  In this instance I am the absolute reverse of Paul’s words in 1 Cor 4:4 in that I AM conscious of my sin and I stand before God guilty; desperately and wholly in need of Christ.  (Note, Paul was NOT saying he was not a sinner; I am only borrowing his choice of words, not his intent).  Yet I have made a covenant with my eyes and it is good and right to do so.  Even knowing our sinfulness and covenant-breaking flesh, God tells us to enter in to covenants in this life.  But how do I ever hope to keep this covenant?  By and through a covenant-keeping God.  I draw near to God and He watches over me.  I endeavor to continually be in communion with Him; repenting, praising, acknowledging Him in all I see; moment by moment.  But further, I practice; I train; I look away; I consciously remind myself that the ‘beautiful young maiden’ is not mine, she is not intended for me, she will not satisfy my sweetest and purest longings for feminine interaction, it is fantasy and not real, it is deceit and not truth.  Further, I think about my wife; that she is who God sees as my earthly feminine satisfaction, she is the only one who I have a covenant with.  She is the only one He sees for me.  Period.  That as He looks upon her He sees her as His gift to me, perfectly suited to fulfill the observation, “It is not good for man to be alone”.  I train myself to align myself with how God views my wife.  She is my feminine satisfaction and there is none other.

The fear of being hollowed out is profound in my life.  I’ve been there.  The fear of losing joy is halting.  I’ve known it.  So in saying this I know my training can never end; resisting the lust of my Flesh is continual.  I truly believe it is more accurate to say the definition of Sanctification is not that I sin less and less as I mature in Him, but that I repent more and more; and that my sanctification is not measured in my performance but in my heightened sensitivity to the depth of my sin and the Holiness of God.  My Flesh will never and can never be reformed; so I must train, practice, and remain vigilant at aligning myself with the heart of God.  “Sin is crouching at [my] door …”, and as my dear friend and mentor said, “Yes, and it’s on the inside!”.

I am certainly not holding myself up as a model!  But i do believe there is worth in encouraging 'one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.'

The 5 Love Languages

I have had a love/hate relationship with the 5 Love Languages for many years.  In no way I am demeaning author Dr. Gary Chapman, for I am certain he has more wisdom, training, and practice than I do.  To the concept's credit the 5 Love Languages serve as great short-hand for getting people to understand their similarities and differences, how they give and receive love, and so on.

On the other hand, they can be too superficial, transactional ("If I love you your way than I can expect you’ll love me my way"), and most importantly, they are limiting.

If we take the 5 Love Languages concept to its full destination then we learn and practice the expression of love that enriches our spouse’s heart and hopefully our marriage.  That is good, to a point.

Yet it dawned on me how woefully short this falls of our Christian duty.

Question:  Why should I stop with fulfilling my spouse’s needs, desires or even their definition of what will satisfy them?

As a child of the Most High, I should be learning from Christ the full longitude and latitude of love … in all its forms and expressions, regardless of if my spouse recognizes them.  I want to grow in love because Christ is Love; and to not be satisfied by only what others may consciously desire.  All humans fall short of knowing God and therefore fall short of knowing what true love is; as defined by God, Who is love.  Therefore, my learning and practice of love should be primarily with an eye to the imitation of Christ and not what my spouse’s likes or dislikes are.  

In this way we will show our spouse a greater understanding and depth of what they should truly long for; the love of Christ working itself out in our personal relationships.

Greater than being an instrument of satisfaction, is to be an instrument of sanctification.  As I've said before, we can receive no greater compliment than to hear, "I am closer to Christ because of you."

 

Habituation

(posted 9 months ago for Redeemer Men's group)

Definition: Habituation

“Habituation is a decrease in response to a stimulus after repeated presentations. For example, a novel sound in your environment, such as a new ring tone, may initially draw your attention or even become distracting. After you become accustomed to this sound, you pay less attention to the noise and your response to the sound will diminish. This diminished response is habituation.”  Psychology.com

‘Habituation’; our brain’s function at pushing the mundane, everyday, constant, monotonous things of life to the margins … so far in the background we literally don’t pay any attention to them at all.  For example, at this very moment you are reading this post because it is Novel (key word); you’ve never read it before so it has your attention.  Yet also at this very moment your skin’s nerves are sending billions of stimuli to your brain saying, “I’m warm”, ”I’m being touched”, “This is scratchy”, on and on, every nerve, every micro-second.  But your brain has ‘habituated’ all of those stimuli and you literally pay no attention to them UNLESS a group of them scream out “You just slammed me into the corner of the desk!!!”; that’ll get your attention every time!  And the reason is this new sensation is novel.  Anything and everything can and will be habituated (except pain) given the right environment.

 All of this to make my point.  Have any of us habituated our God?  Let me state it more clearly and accurately … every last one of us has habituated God!  God has lost His novelty.  We no longer pray or read the Word or are excited by worship or going to church.  Our hearts grow inattentive to the Gospel … “same old, same old”; or as Kevin likes to say from the pulpit, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it!”.  That’s habituation, plain and simple.  While the term ‘habituation’ is a relatively new discovery and definition in psychology, the Bible speaks of it frequently, using words like forgotten, forget, forsake, or (not) remembering.

Can we read this striking verse and not be moved, “Therefore thus says the Lord God: Because you have forgotten me and cast me behind your back, you yourself must bear the consequences …”?

So often the consequences of habituating God are the commonly descriptive phrases such as, “I’m in a desert”, “I am dead inside”, “I just don’t feel His presence”, “I haven’t prayed in days”, etc.

Modern psychologist would say the remedy for habituation is novelty.  But how do you find novelty in something that is constant, monotonous, mundane?  You simply work at it mentally.  You literally force your mind to find novelty in the mundane.

For instance, if your wife has become habituated and your relationship has lost its spark, you take her flowers, compliment her, study her anew, pay attention to how she moves, talks, etc.  This is secular psychology.  Does it work?  I am sure to some degree … but two important things are missing.

1. Psychology techniques never get to the heart.  The end of their plan is a happier marriage (from the above example of habituating your wife) which, at its core really means a happier ME.  But for the Christian husband the primary reason for keeping your wife (or job or prayer life, etc.) novel is to glorify God; to be obedient to His Word.  It is the heart of a man that must be transformed, not his techniques, behaviors, etc.
2. The Cross Chart.  God Himself is not Someone who can ever be fully known; His holiness never fully described, His grace never fully grasped, His mercy never fully appreciated, His salvation never fully apprehended.  With God we certainly remember all that He has done and praise Him for all of His attributes and kindnesses; but there is still so much ground to cover and discover.  We can never define the edges of our God.  God is ever-novel to those who seek Him.

Have you habituated your God?

Will you repent and say, “My God My God why have I forsaken you?”

And finally, the most reassuring thing is that God will never habituate us.  Isaiah 49:15, “Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.”

My prayer is that we spur one another on in an intimate, daily pursuit of Him.

Desire

The occasion came when my wife asked me to do something for her. She smiled pleasantly and asked nicely and with enthusiasm. And as I looked onto her face everything in me was screaming, "NO! I don't WANT to!". In those few moments of hesitation my mind fled from excuse to excuse to see which one may best suit my purposes; the dual purposes of getting my way yet making it sound quite reasonable to her.

I wanted to straddle the line as to not make her upset that I denied her request (because next time I just may want to help her) and not revealing my true motive. In an instant my mind found and settled on the only response that seemed right. I looked at her and said, "Sure; I'd love to".

Why that response? In those precious few seconds where Flesh and Spirit contended for the victory, my Flesh's main motive echoed in my head. The primary, the overarching, the fundamental reason for desiring to turn her request down was this; "I don't want to."

Was that really it? Was that the whole of my argument? How could this be reconciled with 'being poured out like a drink offering' for others' sake? How could this be settled with Paul's motivation that he would be better off dead and with Christ, so he reasoned that to remain among the living means he lives for the joy and service of the living.

But I pressed into the ultimate conclusion; the whole of every argument I make against doing the will of God is, "I don't want to".

'Keep your eyes pure'; "I don't want to."
'It is more blessed to give'; "I don't want to."
'Love the Lord God with all your heart'; "I don't want to."
'Rid yourself of all idols'; "I don't want to."

I do not obey God or follow God or love God because I simply don't want to. There is no better argument; there is no sane argument; there is no convincing argument. As a matter of utter fact, to sin is insanity. To chose against God is to chose misery and death. To chose sin is to believe it will lead to pleasure when it absolutely and always leads to my suffering. And yet to not experience suffering does not mean I've 'beat the system', but that I am so deceived and distorted in my thinking that 'drinking the poison' is actually pleasing to my palette!

Further, when I sin I bring woe onto myself as is quoted in Isaiah 5:20 "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!"

In my inextinguishable selfishness I tell my wife (and others) I can't help them or be of service to them for this reason or that; but all-to-often what is really driving my denials is the phrase, "I don't want to."

For those who read this and contend that we are called by Scripture to care for our own interests and bodily needs I reply, 'Certainly so!'. But to investigate the true reason we chose not to love, forgive, obey, serve or be poured out is critical in knowing just how often we are guided by the words, "I don't want to ... and that is the whole of my argument."

Who Knows Where Our Sin Will Lead?

How lightly do I judge my sin? Should I only be concerned about the ‘big ones’ and give myself grace and mercy in the ‘small ones’? Small sins are those I barely notice or have become accustomed to because they really don’t seem to affect those around me. Or maybe those around me have just ‘accepted’ them as “Oh well, that’s just Kevin being Kevin”. But I am afraid my inextinguishable propensity for ‘giving myself grace’ will eventually lead me to the conclusion that no sin I commit would ever be self-judged as ‘big’.

In conversation with a fellow brother I confessed one of most often committed sins was the one of Impatience and its twin brother, the flash of Anger that can come with the slightest mishap or inconvenience. For instance, I reach to pick up my keys and unintentionally knock them to the floor is almost always met with an internal jolt of frustration, anger, maybe even cursing. As I said gave this example I could see in his eyes a look of surprise. I am guessing his look was expressing the thought, “So that’s it? That’s your besetting sin? If that’s your biggest concern …“.

I went on to make my case. I told him that no man wakes up content one day and then proceeds to look at pornography for 6 hours a day, day after day in a seemingly unstoppable addiction. No man wakes up one day happily married and drives over to his secretary’s house to plan the rest of their lives together. No man wakes up one day content with what the Lord has provided and drives to the gambling hall to wager his entire paycheck on Black 13. No, the man who is now addicted to pornography began glancing at women’s exercise magazines or underwear ads or the cheerleaders at the game. The man who runs off with his secretary begins his journey by complaining about his wife’s moods or cooking or weight or money management. The man who gambles his life into an empty bank account and a house foreclosure started by thinking, “Well, I was going to the movie, but instead I’ll spend the same amount at the casino … I mean, it’s all ‘entertainment’”. None of these men woke up content and ruined their lives in a day or with one thought. None of these men thought in the beginning their ‘little sin’ of peaking at another woman or pointing out their wife’s sin or spending a little money on an innocent bet would ever be beyond their control.

So I looked at him at said, “We don’t know where our sin will lead”. Maybe my Impatience will end in me being so discontent and frustrated that I deny He even exists or that if He does, He surely doesn’t have any thoughts or love for me. The fact of the matter is I don’t know where it will lead. The fact of the matter is God would be found Just in allowing me to reap the consequences of my ‘little sins’. The fact of the matter is the most terrifying words God could say to me is, “Because of your persistent impatience I am turning you over to yourself”. I must take every sin and all my sins seriously for I don’t know how far I could fall and, God forbid, I be turned over to myself.