Desire

The occasion came when my wife asked me to do something for her. She smiled pleasantly and asked nicely and with enthusiasm. And as I looked onto her face everything in me was screaming, "NO! I don't WANT to!". In those few moments of hesitation my mind fled from excuse to excuse to see which one may best suit my purposes; the dual purposes of getting my way yet making it sound quite reasonable to her.

I wanted to straddle the line as to not make her upset that I denied her request (because next time I just may want to help her) and not revealing my true motive. In an instant my mind found and settled on the only response that seemed right. I looked at her and said, "Sure; I'd love to".

Why that response? In those precious few seconds where Flesh and Spirit contended for the victory, my Flesh's main motive echoed in my head. The primary, the overarching, the fundamental reason for desiring to turn her request down was this; "I don't want to."

Was that really it? Was that the whole of my argument? How could this be reconciled with 'being poured out like a drink offering' for others' sake? How could this be settled with Paul's motivation that he would be better off dead and with Christ, so he reasoned that to remain among the living means he lives for the joy and service of the living.

But I pressed into the ultimate conclusion; the whole of every argument I make against doing the will of God is, "I don't want to".

'Keep your eyes pure'; "I don't want to."
'It is more blessed to give'; "I don't want to."
'Love the Lord God with all your heart'; "I don't want to."
'Rid yourself of all idols'; "I don't want to."

I do not obey God or follow God or love God because I simply don't want to. There is no better argument; there is no sane argument; there is no convincing argument. As a matter of utter fact, to sin is insanity. To chose against God is to chose misery and death. To chose sin is to believe it will lead to pleasure when it absolutely and always leads to my suffering. And yet to not experience suffering does not mean I've 'beat the system', but that I am so deceived and distorted in my thinking that 'drinking the poison' is actually pleasing to my palette!

Further, when I sin I bring woe onto myself as is quoted in Isaiah 5:20 "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!"

In my inextinguishable selfishness I tell my wife (and others) I can't help them or be of service to them for this reason or that; but all-to-often what is really driving my denials is the phrase, "I don't want to."

For those who read this and contend that we are called by Scripture to care for our own interests and bodily needs I reply, 'Certainly so!'. But to investigate the true reason we chose not to love, forgive, obey, serve or be poured out is critical in knowing just how often we are guided by the words, "I don't want to ... and that is the whole of my argument."