Desire

The occasion came when my wife asked me to do something for her. She smiled pleasantly and asked nicely and with enthusiasm. And as I looked onto her face everything in me was screaming, "NO! I don't WANT to!". In those few moments of hesitation my mind fled from excuse to excuse to see which one may best suit my purposes; the dual purposes of getting my way yet making it sound quite reasonable to her.

I wanted to straddle the line as to not make her upset that I denied her request (because next time I just may want to help her) and not revealing my true motive. In an instant my mind found and settled on the only response that seemed right. I looked at her and said, "Sure; I'd love to".

Why that response? In those precious few seconds where Flesh and Spirit contended for the victory, my Flesh's main motive echoed in my head. The primary, the overarching, the fundamental reason for desiring to turn her request down was this; "I don't want to."

Was that really it? Was that the whole of my argument? How could this be reconciled with 'being poured out like a drink offering' for others' sake? How could this be settled with Paul's motivation that he would be better off dead and with Christ, so he reasoned that to remain among the living means he lives for the joy and service of the living.

But I pressed into the ultimate conclusion; the whole of every argument I make against doing the will of God is, "I don't want to".

'Keep your eyes pure'; "I don't want to."
'It is more blessed to give'; "I don't want to."
'Love the Lord God with all your heart'; "I don't want to."
'Rid yourself of all idols'; "I don't want to."

I do not obey God or follow God or love God because I simply don't want to. There is no better argument; there is no sane argument; there is no convincing argument. As a matter of utter fact, to sin is insanity. To chose against God is to chose misery and death. To chose sin is to believe it will lead to pleasure when it absolutely and always leads to my suffering. And yet to not experience suffering does not mean I've 'beat the system', but that I am so deceived and distorted in my thinking that 'drinking the poison' is actually pleasing to my palette!

Further, when I sin I bring woe onto myself as is quoted in Isaiah 5:20 "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!"

In my inextinguishable selfishness I tell my wife (and others) I can't help them or be of service to them for this reason or that; but all-to-often what is really driving my denials is the phrase, "I don't want to."

For those who read this and contend that we are called by Scripture to care for our own interests and bodily needs I reply, 'Certainly so!'. But to investigate the true reason we chose not to love, forgive, obey, serve or be poured out is critical in knowing just how often we are guided by the words, "I don't want to ... and that is the whole of my argument."

Who Knows Where Our Sin Will Lead?

How lightly do I judge my sin? Should I only be concerned about the ‘big ones’ and give myself grace and mercy in the ‘small ones’? Small sins are those I barely notice or have become accustomed to because they really don’t seem to affect those around me. Or maybe those around me have just ‘accepted’ them as “Oh well, that’s just Kevin being Kevin”. But I am afraid my inextinguishable propensity for ‘giving myself grace’ will eventually lead me to the conclusion that no sin I commit would ever be self-judged as ‘big’.

In conversation with a fellow brother I confessed one of most often committed sins was the one of Impatience and its twin brother, the flash of Anger that can come with the slightest mishap or inconvenience. For instance, I reach to pick up my keys and unintentionally knock them to the floor is almost always met with an internal jolt of frustration, anger, maybe even cursing. As I said gave this example I could see in his eyes a look of surprise. I am guessing his look was expressing the thought, “So that’s it? That’s your besetting sin? If that’s your biggest concern …“.

I went on to make my case. I told him that no man wakes up content one day and then proceeds to look at pornography for 6 hours a day, day after day in a seemingly unstoppable addiction. No man wakes up one day happily married and drives over to his secretary’s house to plan the rest of their lives together. No man wakes up one day content with what the Lord has provided and drives to the gambling hall to wager his entire paycheck on Black 13. No, the man who is now addicted to pornography began glancing at women’s exercise magazines or underwear ads or the cheerleaders at the game. The man who runs off with his secretary begins his journey by complaining about his wife’s moods or cooking or weight or money management. The man who gambles his life into an empty bank account and a house foreclosure started by thinking, “Well, I was going to the movie, but instead I’ll spend the same amount at the casino … I mean, it’s all ‘entertainment’”. None of these men woke up content and ruined their lives in a day or with one thought. None of these men thought in the beginning their ‘little sin’ of peaking at another woman or pointing out their wife’s sin or spending a little money on an innocent bet would ever be beyond their control.

So I looked at him at said, “We don’t know where our sin will lead”. Maybe my Impatience will end in me being so discontent and frustrated that I deny He even exists or that if He does, He surely doesn’t have any thoughts or love for me. The fact of the matter is I don’t know where it will lead. The fact of the matter is God would be found Just in allowing me to reap the consequences of my ‘little sins’. The fact of the matter is the most terrifying words God could say to me is, “Because of your persistent impatience I am turning you over to yourself”. I must take every sin and all my sins seriously for I don’t know how far I could fall and, God forbid, I be turned over to myself.